Archive for April, 2010

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OK, lets try this again, shall we?

April 29, 2010

Hi again, to everyone who is still perusing this blog, its been a while.  Since my last post, many things have happened in Linda and my Life that have truly made me look at everything in my life just a bit differently.  About two and a half months ago, things came to a head in our house, and elevated to the point where I was very close to walking away from everything.  A very late night, a lot of tears, and some very serious dissecting of my life later, I thankfully realized that what I have is too important to lose, and nothing in this World is cause enough to walk away from the only Lady outside of my Family who has ever Loved me unconditionally and given me Her Heart and Soul until the end of time.

While doing said self-reflection, I began to realize how my participation in the Life was affecting my entire mental state, in a less than positive way.  I am a person who becomes addicted to pleasures very quickly… though curiously enough I have never been addicted to any pleasurable chemicals.  The problem is , I am also one who quickly starts looking for “bigger, better, faster, harder” etc etc.  In my hobbies, Im always itching for that roller coaster with the taller lift hill, 300 feet instead of 200, 95 mph instead of 80.  With my car hobby, Im always looking for more horsepower and a more intense ride.  Unfortunately, I realized that my part in the Life had become the same way.  I was looking to go deeper, and darker, every single time Linda or anyone else took me in hand.  I no longer wanted to be spanked, I wanted to be strapped raw.  I wanted to be whipped hard on my back, bottom, and legs.  I wanted to go to the point that my pain receptors and mind would not allow my body to.  I realized….. I wanted and needed to be hurt.  There was no joy in it, no fun…. the pleasure I was receiving was from being genuinely hurt… and when my body couldnt handle going where I thought I wanted to go, I got frustrated.

Well, let me tell everyone that, those days are thankfully over.  Three weeks ago, Linda went to West Virginia to spend some time with Her sister and nieces, and to where work is more plentiful.  The result of this is, I will not see Her again until Mothers Day weekend, and then not after that until June 8th.  Let me tell everyone out there…. this SUCKS!  Knowing you have a Lady who Loves you,and who you want to put your arms around, but cant because of how dependant we have all become on GodDamn money in this World.  Yes, Im pissed, but I feel Ive got the right.  The single positive that has come from this is that… it has allowed me to press the reset button so to speak.  Only twice in my life have I ever truly felt the truth of the statement “You never know how much you will miss someone until they are gone” and that was with my Grandparents.  Well, now its three, and let me tell you its a LOT worse knowing the one that is gone, but you still have a chance of seeing again is 6 fucking hours away.  It has shown me the value of things… and the worthlessness of others.  Its shown me something I already knew, but could never apply until now, which is this…. Love your Family, Love your Friends, have fun with everything else because its all bullshit anyway.

I have played with Indy a few times in these three weeks, one of which I will be posting about likely Saturday night, and they have been the best times Ive had in the Life in years!  I no longer crave the outreaches of sanity and safety.  I no longer YEARN to be hurt, to have my skin blistered and cut.  The Life, and my participation in every single aspect of it, is FUN again and I now genuinely look forward to when I can again get that look from Linda that says “Oh, you are going to get your bottom whooped GOOD for that young man”.  I guess, the best way to sum all of this up is…. Im baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaackkkkkkkkkkkk, and does it sure feel GOOD this time.

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